


paradise

by hilyuc



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Kissing, Letters, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT)-centric, Roadtrip, Sad Mark Lee (NCT), Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 23:04:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20317489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hilyuc/pseuds/hilyuc
Summary: Mark leaves it all behind to search for his paradise.





	paradise

**Author's Note:**

> This is completely self-indulgent, so have fun reading that haha

The first week on the road was unbearable. 

Mark’s hands cupping the steering wheel didn’t have enough fingers to count the times he had nearly hit the brakes in favor of turning around, and going back to the things he deemed safe in their familiarity. 

It was so hard to keep his foot on the gas pedal, and his gaze steady on the road ahead, because there was a constant voice at the back of his skull, telling him, that if he were to return back home this exact second, everything could go back to how it was before. 

That he could revel in the warmness of his mother’s embrace; wrap his own arms around the bodies of his friends, holding them close and promising to never let go again; fit together his and Donghyuck’s hands, like two puzzle pieces, and whisper against soft lips, that none of this was his fault. 

Mark missed the multiple homes he had built in all these different people, trusting that they would always keep the pathway to their hearts open. And yet, now, biting down on his cheek and his tears, Mark feared that those doors would close when he came back, and that the key he was given wouldn’t fit in the lock anymore. 

The very night Mark had left, he could barely make his way past the sign leading out of the city, before pulling over, killing the engine, and letting his tears spill. The midnight moon had shone down on him the entire time, watching silently. It was comforting in a way Mark had only noticed a couple hours later into the drive, when his eyes caught a proper glimpse of it for the first time that night, and his jaw unclenched, the lines of his shoulders smoothed out, and his heart, a raging beast inside its cage, finally fell into a steady rhythm; because Mark came to the soft epiphany, that back home, sprawled out on the freshly washed bed sheets, Donghyuck was looking at the moon, too. 

That same night, with the stars shining down on him, Mark imagined that was enough.

*

_ By the time you’re reading this, I’ll probably be long gone, so I don’t recommend to come looking for me. I didn’t take my phone with me, so don’t bother calling. My mom knows about my decision, so you don’t have to worry about her, but she doesn’t know anything about where I went, so don’t bother asking her either. _

_ I would let you know when I’d come back, but the truth is, I don’t know. _

*

It gets easier as time passes. Every mile he conquers doesn’t feel like a weight pulling him down by the shoulders anymore, but instead, something akin to liberation. With the sun shining through the windows, and later disappearing right before his eyes, right by the end of the road that’s endless, every evening looking more and more like his true destination. But even if he were ever given the opportunity to travel to the sun itself, Mark would politely turn the offer down, and wait around for the day he could get the chance to travel to the moon instead, because when they were little, Mark had promised Donghyuck that they’d go there together. 

It’s silly, Mark knows. And yet, he finds himself smiling whenever the sun drowns in the large expanse of the sea, and the moon becomes fully visible against the dark blue of the night’s sky.

* 

_ I don’t think I know anything, and that’s the problem. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. I’ve been thinking about this for such a long time, and I’m sorry for not telling you, but I just didn’t think you’d understand, because, I don’t really understand myself. I don’t think I ever truly have. _

_ * _

A month has passed. 

It feels odd, but also right. Like two souls, different from each other in every way, fitting together as if they were molded just for that. 

Mark rummages through the glove compartment in a search for something to occupy himself with. It’s too early for breakfast, only around 5 am, and Mark had decided that he might as well spare the effort, and drive to a convenience store and a petrol station in one go. Besides, the spot he had his car parked in currently, was ideal in the way it was deserted from noise, and sporting a view of the water. 

Mark pops his knuckles with a satisfying crack, and leans over to the passenger’s side of the car, slamming the glove compartment shut with his elbow. He finds a pack of gum there, quite unsurprising, taking in that Donghyuck used to occupy that seat in his car most often, going out of his way to blow a bubble in Mark’s face every couple of minutes, and Mark making sure to pop it in the spaces between those minutes. 

Mark leans back in his seat, and puts one of the three remaining cushions in his mouth. Strawberry flavor. Donghyuck had insisted that it was his favorite because it made him nostalgic of summer. But Mark knew, because Donghyuck had once let it slip past his lips, that he favored it so much, because he liked how it tasted together with the watermelon gum Mark used to chew all the time. 

Mark blows a bubble, pops it with his index finger.

*

_ In all honesty, I have no idea where I’m going. I just packed a bunch of things I thought I’d need. You know, like clothes and my wallet, and stuff like that. I have a picture of us in it, so unless you decide to dye your hair some horrible shade of green like a lime, you don’t have to worry about me forgetting how you look like. <strike>As if i ever could.</strike> _

*

Mark meets someone in the middle of his third month away.

It’s when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, and he deems himself doomed.

The stranger’s name, as Mark learns later on, is Johnny. He’s a handsome man, and Mark finds himself having to look up when he speaks, which, settles uneasily in his stomach, is probably how tall Jisung will be in a half-year’s time, with how much he has grown over the past year and a half. 

Johnny, as it turns out, also speaks english, which is such an impossible coincidence- that he’d meet someone at all in the middle of nowhere, but also someone who just so happens to share the same mother tongue. It’s such an utterly ridiculous concept, that Mark bursts out laughing when they’re buckling Mark’s car to the back of Johnny’s, and to his surprise, the other joins in. 

The laughter bubbles in his chest and slips past his lips in a seemingly endless stream, and then he’s buckling over, and holding onto this complete stranger he had met only half an hour ago, and in the middle of it all, Johnny’s warm hand on his upper arm, holding him upwards, Mark realizes it’s the first time in these long and painful months, that he feels pure and raw happiness. 

*

_ I had this planned out for months. I mean, there wasn’t much actual planning involved- it was more like mentally preparing myself, if that makes sense. I did know the day I would leave though. I made sure that I wouldn’t have any plans after I left, because I didn’t wanna let you guys down, which is kind of ironic, because as I’m writing this note, letting you down, is exactly what I’ll be doing. Just know that it wasn’t easy to leave you guys behind. In fact, I think writing this note is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. _

*

The two of them get along in a way Mark didn’t even dare think was possible, outside his group of friends. 

They share the same passion for music, which is what they mostly talk about, when Mark’s not too busy choking on his own laughter at a joke Johnny had said so casually, that it only made it funnier. 

Mark’s heart feels light, where it beats steadily in his chest, and then it stops abruptly for a second or two, when Johnny asks him what he’s doing out here, over two milkshakes, and a plate of fries at a local diner.

Mark chews on his straw, and contemplates what he should say. Whether he should lie and play it safe, or tell him the truth and hope he’d understand. Johnny looks oblivious to his inner turmoil, simply dipping his fries one by one in the pile of ketchup by the side of the plate, and chewing them like he had nowhere to be. It’s such a contrast to Donghyuck, who has learned every tick that makes him who he is, and would never let such a long-stretched silence go unnoticed. Mark doesn’t know which approach he prefers, but he supposes he’s glad to be treated differently at least once.

Johnny casts him a glance, expecting an answer.

Mark shrugs, removes his lips from around the straw and murmurs an  _ I don’t know _ .

“What do you mean you don’t know? Someone kicked you out?”

“No!” Mark blinks at his sudden raise of voice, lowers it a bit. “I left because I wanted to.”

Johnny hums thoughtfully, slowly nodding his head, and it takes Mark a while to progress that he’s expecting him to go on and explain further, and Mark doesn’t know if he’s ready for that. But then he might not feel ready, but he needs to be. At least this once.

“I left because I wanted to try and become a better person.” Mark stirs his milkshake with the straw. “I thought that maybe if I had some time to myself, I could sort everything out in my head, and then return as a better person. Someone my friends and family deserve, you know.”

“So you’re doing this for them, and not yourself?” Johnny asks, but it’s a rhetorical question, so he goes on. “You can’t change the way others see you, only how  _ you _ see the way they see you.”

Mark opens his mouth to respond, to try and convince the other that what he said wasn’t true, when he realises that his search for a paradise somewhere else, would all end up being in vain, because he already had whatever he needed back home. 

“Running away from your problems will only make them bigger once you return back to where they stemmed from.”

“You think I should go back?” Mark asks, and he sounds breathless.

Johnny smiles a gentle smile. “I think you should decide whether you went away because you wanted to, or because you felt like you had to.”

And Mark laughs through his tears.

*

_ I understand if you won’t want to, but I would really appreciate if you told them some things, because I couldn’t. Writing one note is already too much for me.  _

_ Please tell Renjun that I hope he gets into the art school he wants to. Tell him, that I wish him the best of luck, and that I know he’ll be able to do it, because he is so much more talented than he sees himself as. _

_ Tell Jaemin that I’m sorry for always rejecting his attempts at showing affection. I constantly feel like he thinks I hate him, or like him less than the others, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I just can’t express my love the way he does. And I apologize for that. _

_ Tell Jeno that I packed all of the video games and movie cd’s he lent me, in a box by my bed. He can feel free to let himself in, and take them back. I also added some movies that I thought he’d like, so tell him to look out for those. Tell him I’m grateful for having someone so caring and kind on my team- both in video games, and in real life as well. _

_ Tell Chenle that I’ll miss his stupid laugh. Tell him that his korean has gotten so good over the past couple of years, and that he shouldn’t feel so self conscious about it. I know I never really say this, but tell him that I’m proud of him. That I’m proud of how far he had come since he first moved here, and I’m honored that he chose us as his friends. _

_ Tell Jisung that he’s not allowed to grow an inch taller. He’s already taller than every single one of us, and I can’t afford to crane my neck up every time I talk with him. When I come back, if any of you will still be here, I’d like not to be up to his elbow. Tell Jisung that he’s like a baby brother to me. That I care for him, and that I know he’s going to have an incredibly bright future ahead of him. He works so hard, and still manages to be constantly positive and kind towards us, and it’s something I wish I could do as well. _

_ Tell every single one of them, that I care for them and that I love them so much, and also, that I’m sorry. _

*

Mark feels like he’s on fire. 

His fingertips burn where they’re wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, making his knuckles go white. His feet burn where one presses on the gas pedal as hard as it can, and the other hovers over the brakes, just in case. His lungs burn where they shrink and expand in his chest, every breath seeming either too large or too small for his organs to properly comprehend. 

Over the past three months, continuously driving down the road in a direction that Mark thought of as forward, he has come to the realization that it has always been backwards. Leading away from his home, and his friends, family, and his paradise, and oh god, they’re the same thing, why was he so  _ stupid _ .

*

_ For you Hyuck, I honestly don’t even know what words to say. It’s different with you. Always has been, but in the best way possible.  _

_ I love you, Donghyuck. So much, that sometimes I feel like my heart’s going to burst, because I don’t think it’s supposed to be able to contain this much love. But that’s the issue, isn’t it. All that love I have for you, for everyone, it stays buried in my heart. I constantly feel like you deserve better, and I know you’d smack my arm and assure me that wasn’t true, if you were here, but I think that deep down, you know it, too. And that scares me. I’m scared that one day you’ll wake up and you’ll realize that there’s no reason for you to be with someone who can’t love you out loud. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I left. I didn’t want to be there when it happened.  _

*

Mark doesn’t know what he expected, but nothing quite prepares him for when he finally kills his car engine, and revels into the sensation of being home. 

When he steps out of the car, his body is shaking, and Mark doesn’t know if the cold night’s air, or his nerves are to blame. It might be a combination of both, maybe more so the fact that he forgot his jacket in the back of Johnny’s truck, and now was standing under the dark sky with just a hoodie to keep his chest warm.

He stands there, in the middle of the empty street for a while, not a single thought on his mind.

At ease. 

And then just like that, it all comes flooding back- his thoughts, feelings, wants, needs, and all it takes is a split second for his mind, his heart to decide on a destination, where all of those things meet once and for all.

His legs move as if having a will of their own, and before Mark knows it, he’s standing in front of an abandoned playground, every swing and seesaw too small for his current self. And just there, back turned to him, all of the ends meet. The very end of the road.

Mark blinks up at the moon, sends out a quick prayer to whoever sits listening, and hopes that he won’t have been forgotten.

Mark steps forward, the leaves crunch under his boots, and that’s all it takes for the swing to still, and Donghyuck’s eyes to find his, even in the dark, even after all these months, and even after everything, they still shine as magnificent as ever, and the lines of Mark’s body smooth out, because finally, he’s home.

*

_ I don’t expect you to sit around and wait for me to come back, because that would be selfish, but I hope that whatever happens, and however much time passes, you’ll remember me like I was in the moments when you were the happiest.  _

*

It feels weird, Donghyuck’s arms wrapped so tightly around him that Mark feels as if he could suffocate any fleeting moment now, which is an end he wouldn’t mind meeting if it was in the hands of someone he loved so truly and intensely. 

They don’t speak.

Mark runs his hands through the strands of Donghyuck’s hair, presses his lips to the crown of his head, and holds him so tightly that it feels like if he were to ever let go, the world would split in half right under their feet. In a way, that is known only to the two of them under the moonlight, Mark holds the both of them together, and Donghyuck does, too.

Either of them would crumble if it weren’t for the steady hands of the other, each gaining strength from silent confirmations of the questions none of them had asked out loud yet. But they had seen them, and felt them, and heard them not as words, but as breaths and heartbeats, and fallen tears. 

“I didn’t think you’d wait for me.” Mark tears apart the silence with gentle hands.

Donghyuck laughs, but it comes out muffled against Mark’s neck. “Of course I’d wait for you. Who do you take me for?”

_ For granted _ . But Mark doesn’t let that escape the safe space of just his thoughts, preserves the silence instead, presses his lips to Donghyuck’s forehead, nose, cheek, when the other pulls away slightly, never enough to pull out of each other’s orbit.

“I missed you.” Donghyuck says.

“I missed you.” Mark says, too.

The moonlight shines down on them. Donghyuck’s hair glows light brown, his eyelashes cast shadows across his tear-stained cheeks, and his eyes hold so much unsaid, and Mark knows that they’ll have to talk about this and that and everything in between; but he can’t bring himself to do it. Not now. So he does what he thinks, and feels, and wants, and needs, and he presses Donghyuck close to him, closer than ever before, and lets himself close his eyes, because he’s finally reached the end of the road.

“I love you.” Mark says.

“I love you.” Donghyuck says, too.

*

_ I want you to know, that whatever paradise I’m searching for, I think I’ve already found a part of it in you. _

_ -Mark _

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/LOVHYUC) / [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/sunhyuc)


End file.
